Parallel episode

“Aguy! Kasakit sa akong tiyan.”
My head snapped up to the owner of the pained voice. Time seemed to stop. My heart beat wildly; my breathing was nonexistent. I went cold.

“Maó man siguro ni ako kamatyan.”

That was my Uncle who has just been diagnosed of nasal cancer. He’s 72, and until now, was leading a very active, very healthy lifestyle. After having been diagnosed of cancer, he was prescribed a lot of medicines including prednisone.

Hearing those pained words, I was transported back in time when the same words (well, almost, since it had been said in Tagalog) were uttered by a girl of six with fragile body who had also been diagnosed of cancer—acute lymphoblastic leukemia—and was also given a lot of medication including prednisone.

“Mommy, ang sakit-sakit ng t’yan ko,” she used to cry to her worried and helpless mother.

She used to have stomachache all the time. It occurred to me that if a 72-year-old strong and able man could not stand the pain, how much worse could it have been to a little girl in such a delicate shape?

I still remember that fateful afternoon. It was raining hard. Her Mommy hailed a taxi to take her to the hospital. I expected her to be there for a day, then she would be home for Christmas. But that was not meant to be. The doctors decided to do a surgery on her stomach to see what was bothering her. My sister, trusting the doctors, and thinking of nothing but only the best for her only daughter, consented. My sister brought her crying child to the operating room, waited outside for what seemed like an eternity, only to see later her only daughter come out of the room with tubes all over her. Her daughter was not able to talk to her again. Ten days after, we lost her totally. Her frail little body couldn’t take the assault of the knife.

It was practically the stomachache that actually took my niece from us.

Now, hearing those same words, witnessing the same reaction from another person—an adult—left me cold. It occurred to me that the pain must have been caused by the medicines introduced into her very young body. My mind raced, and just when I thought I had forgotten and forgiven, all the pain of losing someone I love came back. And then, the anger.

It is a pity, really. I am not a mother, but I am so much affected. Every time I remember my young niece in that state, I still cry even after five years. I can’t imagine what it is like with her mother who was also her best friend.

If there is one thing this experience has taught me, it was never to give my full trust to a doctor: certainly, never to rely too much on him. Even if he is the most expensive doctor in the most expensive hospital in the city.

One has to be equipped with all the details. Exhaust all the alternatives, study possibilities, research about the possible consequences of a process, listen to the patient. After all, she or he is the owner of that body. The doctors want an immediate result, for a lot of different reasons--from showing the care givers that they are doing something, shutting off the insistent parents, getting big amount (which they get regardless of the result of their operation), to maybe sincerely wanting to help.

What I feel was wrong with the system at the time my niece had her ailment was that doctors didn’t exhaust all other alternatives. And a worried Mommy couldn’t think clearly when in distress. That is why the people around them should be doubly alert. If possible, be a devil’s advocate. Sometimes a villain is necessary in a scene so that other possibilities can be explored, and probable consequences examined.

It’s no use crying over spilt milk, so they say. What has been done can never be undone. The dead couldn’t be brought back to life. But then, there are still many who are experiencing what we have experienced before. And I just hope they could come up with what they feel the best decision—and one that they won’t regret later on.

And for this family, I hope we can finally find it in our hearts to forgive and forget and move on with the rest of the living.

Her Passing

Before we even have the time to absorb the news about my Uncle having cancer, we have received news that my Auntie, who has just finished her chemotherapy for breast cancer, passed away this morning.

I contacted my cousin to find out the truth, deep down hoping this was all just false alarm. Maybe some gossip that is misunderstood and not properly relayed. But then, all my hopes fly out the windows when my cousin confirmed it. She said it was all so sudden. Her Mama just had difficulty breathing, and then she passed. My cousin said her Mama did not seem to suffer much. She just lay there, and went to eternal peace.

I am hesitant to tell my Mama about her. Auntie came to my Mama after the former had had her mastectomy to ask who Mama's doctor was. She had known Mama had breast cancer and had finished her chemotherapy. So she went to the same doctor that treated my Mama. They had the same treatment (at least, I think they did). But she had to travel hundreds of kilometers from Agusan to Davao City to have her chemo.

One time she traveled alone, and she felt nauseous in the bus. She panicked. She didn’t know anybody in the bus. It was a blessing that one of her former students was also a passenger. After that, she didn’t dare go to Davao all by herself.

She finished all her six sessions of chemo despite some delays. Her doctor prescribed tamoxifen. The last time I saw her, she was up and about, talking about her plans of traveling and other stuff. And that was almost five months ago. So I was utterly stunned when my sister told me this morning that Auntie has passed away. Of course, I was afraid, too. She had the same disease as my Mama, she had the same doctor, the same treatment, and now she’s gone.

I’m really going to miss her. She was very accommodating, very thoughtful, always smiling. Every time I got stranded in San Francisco, Agusan, it was with her that I would stay. With her gone now, there’s this big empty space she is leaving behind. I could say maybe this is best for her. But there will always be emptiness. I can just imagine how her children might be feeling.

So to her family, my prayers of peace and healing.

And to Auntie, rest in God’s eternal bliss.

And Then There’s Another

First, it was my cousin’s cervix, then, my niece’s bone marrow, then, my Mama’s breast, my Mama’s cousin’s breast, and finally, (or so I thought), my Papa’s brother’s colon. And just when we thought the shopping was over, my Mother’s brother’s nose came next.

Blast it! My uncle has got cancer—and one that is rare—nasal cancer. And he is 72 years old, for goodness’ sakes! Grabe na jud ni!

He had difficulty breathing. He could not eat properly, because swallowing the food was an effort. So, together with his wife and his daughter, he traveled all the way from their place to Davao to see his doctor. There was a mass in his nasal cavity, and the doctor performed a biopsy. The result: tumor. Malignant. His doctor advised surgery and then cobalt. They start clearing him for the surgery. He’ll be observed for a week to find out if his lungs and heart are up to it. And in a week’s time, they will dig.

I had always seen my Uncle as strong, agile even restless. At 70, he was still actively involved in the school he used to manage. He still taught, and was a member of the Board of Directors, and an insurance agent on the side, not to mention his activities in the church. He still traveled for business or pleasure or both. He was very healthy. Until now, that is.

I could say maybe it was old age. But then some live to be 90 and they don’t have cancer. Well, I guess, we all have our own way of dealing with old age. Or is it the old age has its own way of dealing with us? But then, their environment back in their place is also a suspect. When I think of their place, I think POLLUTION. Everywhere you go in that place, you smell no fresh air just fresh factory smell. At any time of the day. It is a pity really since that place is considered the most “progressive” in the province. When I go there, I could not prepare my respiratory system enough for the onslaught. So I would have to do quickly with whatever business I might have and then go.

On the other hand, they say cancer has no known cure yet, and there is no certainty as to its real cause.

I just hope my Uncle can deal with this ordeal the way he has faced all the other trials he had to face before.

And God bless him and his family.

Shingle bells!

My mama has shingles! She has cancer, a cough that doesn’t seem to want to part with her, and now she has shingles!

Three days ago, Mama complained about some rashes she felt on her back. I thought it was some insect bite, or an allergic reaction to something—she has been having so much allergies lately—although I hadn’t encountered such kind of rashes before. She said it was bothering her and it ached, especially when it was hot--and it was always humid. I told her not to scratch the spot so she won't cut her skin, and she said she did not. So I rubbed some ointment to alleviate the burning sensation.

The next day, however, there was another set of the same rashes on her chest, and the ones on her back ‘grew’ and became lesions with fluid in them. They looked like chicken pox, but they were confined in specific parts of her body—on the right part of her back, and on her chest. Although at that time, the ones on her chest were still red rashes. I was afraid it might complicate things for her since she has cancer and she’s taking some medicines. So I told her to see a doctor. She said she planned to see a dermatologist the next day. But I feared the skin disorder might be a reaction to femara she has been taking, so I looked it up on the internet. And there, I saw, it was shingles. At least all the symptoms fit. So I sent message to her oncologist describing to him Mama’s condition, just to verify. He confirmed it, and told me to have Mama see him for further check-up and prescription.

The next day, off my Mama with my sister went to her oncologist, and she was given acyclovir tablet and acyclovir ointment. Immediately, she started with her medication. This morning, though, I caught her preparing for bed. I thought she had fever but she said was just sleepy. The previous night, she hadn’t been able to sleep. Her shingles bothered her. She couldn’t find the right sleeping position. Her lesions would become painful when they touch anything, let alone be crushed as she lay down. I had told her to sleep on the waterbed, thinking the coolness of the bed would help her sleep. Obviously, it didn’t. Even as she was about to lie down, she changed her mind, saying, she still wouldn’t be able to sleep. So I took a washcloth, wet it with cold water and pressed it into her lesions. It relieved her a bit.

Now that night is here again, all I can do is hope Mama can sleep soundly.

Confusing treatments

Bad mystery movies can be quite distressing. It gets you on edge one moment but keeps you in the dark, and in the end, it proves to be nothing but a disappointment.

This business of searching for a cure for cancer can be like that. Not having known any answer, you get a bit excited when you stumble on something that appears to lead you to the truth, only to find yourself more confused than ever.

Maybe the situation would be different if you were a doctor. At least, you get to look at the actual condition of the patients, and you get to see the “physical evidence”—that is, the cancer cells and everything else that might be useful.

But if you were just a lay person like me, who relies only on the “findings” of those who studied the disease, you have one heck of a hard time studying all the studies, analyses, and findings of the “experts”. You know why? Because these “experts” have different ways of looking at things. They have different approaches, different beliefs, different practices. So it is no wonder then, that they come up with different answers. It would have been okay if their findings are on the same direction—well, they’re not. Some conclusions even contradict one another, to the point that these experts attack one another’s theories and claim that his theory is the right one.

Take mammogram and biopsy, for instance. I’ve read in some literatures that these are the basic steps in diagnosing cancer. But then, other literatures would say mammogram may lead to breast cancer, and biopsy may spread cancer. Which should I trust, then?

Once I browsed the Net for some recipes for my cancer warrior Mama. I stumbled upon some recipes that have soy and milk and yogurt. Well, I had read some days back that these ingredients are not suitable for cancer patients.

Whew! This is really a test of my wits.

Sometimes, in my frustration, I would feel better I was better off not having read any of these stuff. I might not have gotten my brains all tied in different knots. On the other hand, there really are things that I have found useful in my search.

Well, I guess you just have to keep your power of discretion intact and use it whenever necessary. For after all, nothing is guaranteed in this life. You just have to make the most of what you learn and pray for the best.